Gaining Understanding

                This week we talked about the effects divorce and remarriage can have on a family, the good and the bad. I want to talk a little bit about that first, but then I want to talk more about step families and what that can mean for the children, the new step parents, the ex-spouse, and anyone else it may involve.

                Divorce was an interesting topic for me because I have been lucky enough to not have very much experience with it. My parents have been married since the beginning of 1982, so that makes 36 years now. Neither of them were ever married previously, and now most of my older siblings have all been married between 3 and 12 years, and, again, only one marriage. I have only been married 8 months, but it has been great. Anyway, I was interested to know about this topic because it has not been a part of my life.

                Sometimes, just because of circumstances, divorce is necessary. There is too much stress in the home and things just get worse and worse. There could also be things like drug abuse, alcoholism, or physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse to the spouse or children. I never really thought before about how much this all may affect the children, but it really does. They catch on to the stress and fighting and everything that is happening and may even try to get in between their parents or choose sides. Then, the actual divorce also brings stress to the children. We actually discussed this same topic in another class, and, even though all of this is so hard, there is a way for parents to help their children through all of this. It comes through emotion-coaching, which is the discussion of emotions and about what they, the children, may be feeling as well as the parent. It really helps to say, “I know you are feeling this way right now, and I am sorry. I feel that way as well. Maybe we can talk about that…” I found that very interesting.

                I always wanted to talk about step families. I had never thought before about all that a family may have to go through just to make a “new” family work. Obviously, children will still have their mother or father aside from their new step-parent and, possibly, step-siblings, but that is not the only part of it. There are changes in the way money is used. A man may be providing for a new family as a step-father, but he also may be paying child support to his ex-wife. The ex-wife or ex-husband may need to move across the country for work or to “move on” or whatever the reason may be, leaving his children without their father. Our teacher pointed out that “on average, in situations of divorce, when a child was 12 years old, their father lived 400 miles away.” That is pretty crazy and sad. There is also a new family dynamic to work around. Things will become much more difficult when there is a new parent and new siblings in the home. They are used to a certain kind of life and come in to try to change everything. Parenting styles were different. Many things will need to change, maybe even a new home, new school, new town and neighborhood.

                I think I liked gaining this understanding most because I can have a little bit more compassion for those around me. Even though I have not had these experiences myself, I can see a little bit better what other people are feeling and going through. As a future Marriage and Family Therapist, that is important to me. I care about people, and I want to help them. I think helping begins with understanding, and I am grateful for the opportunity to begin understanding.

While I have gained a little bit of that understanding for divorce and step-families this week, I am also grateful for the understanding I have gained throughout this class for all types of people, families, and situations. I hope to always be learning more and gaining more understanding. After all, there is always more to learn, especially when it comes to people.